May Angels Lead You In

Our Micah passed this morning at 7:59am.

Which still feels impossible to type, even though every part of me knew this moment was coming.

He finally gets to experience the unconditional love I think he’s been searching for for so many years. He’s not in pain anymore. He’s not worrying about the future, or replaying conversations, or figuring out what lyric to write next. I like to imagine the angels led him in and immediately handed him a guitar. Perfect pedal setup. No weird buzzing. No needed adjustments. Just mind-blowing sound and volume cranked exactly where he always wanted it. I’ll take comfort in that version of things.

Over this last stretch, I’ve felt like my thoughts, conversations, and actions were being guided by something bigger than me. Whether that’s God, the Spirit, or the universe, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that my ability to drop into the mindset of “What would Micah want?” grew exponentially. I believe that this shift in how we communicated changed, at least slightly, the trajectory of his healing.

Communicating with him became something entirely different and unexpectedly sacred. It felt like being given a backstage pass to his life for a little while. I learned how to read the smallest facial expressions and movements. How to feel what he was trying to say without words. It wasn’t easy, but it was incredibly special. What a privilege.

He was in pain. His body was infected, and not a single organ was cooperating with him. Nothing about this was fair, or logical, or something you can tidy up with enough hope or just the right words.

Last night, I had a strong feeling I was going to get a phone call in the middle of the night. So I knew I needed to say my final goodbyes then, just in case. I waited for the room to clear and talked to him very intentionally. I told him how proud I am of him. How privileged I felt to call him my brother for 35 years. How he was the absolute best Muncle to my kids. I said a few other things that are just for him. And I think he heard me.

The first and last thing I said was, of course, “my yuh you.”
And he mouthed back, “my yuh you too.”

That was all I needed. I knew he understood. I knew he knew we would be okay here. And that he could let go whenever he was ready.

I left the hospital last night feeling impossibly heavy. At exactly 11:11pm, it felt like someone had dropped a weighted blanket over me, and I was just waiting. My belief is that he made the decision to let go around then, and his body followed this morning at 7:59am.

I did get that call, and I got there as fast as I could.

On the drive, about an hour, I threw together a playlist. No plan. No logic. Just vibes and gut feelings. The first song was “Hear You Me” by Jimmy Eat World, a favorite band shared by me, Micah, and Andy. One of the main lines is “May angels lead you in,” and my gut immediately said yes. Then came “Stay (Faraway, So Close!)” by U2, another favorite with its own deep meaning between the three of us. “Fix You” by Coldplay followed, and a few others. All very Micah. All carrying weight. All saying things I couldn’t.

When I arrived, I rushed into his room, quickly connected my phone to his speaker, and hit play. Holding his hand, he knew I was there. By the end of the song, he took his last breath.

He passed surrounded by love and music.

I don’t think he would have wanted it any other way.

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me, my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me, my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

-"Hear You Me" - Jimmy Eat World

Micah, we’re so lucky, and we are so very proud of you. You have one of the biggest hearts I know. Through the beginning, middle, and end of your life, two things never changed… your heart and your mind are endlessly big, kind, and remarkable. You are remarkable.

My Yuh You

-Stupah